It Just Doesn't Stop
by Crimefire
Summary: "WHAT? ! Snape is my WHAT? !" Everybody at Hogwarts has nightmares... A series of one-shot parodies.


I don't have to write disclaimers for** fan**fiction, right?

This story will just be silly one-shots (that may be slightly related). Each chapter will probably have random things happening to one or a few characters.

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IT JUST DOESN'T STOP

**CHAPTER ONE: HARRY POTTER**

"WHAT!"

"Yes, Harry, I know it is a shock," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled infuriatingly. "But Professor Snape has decided to adopt you."

"No, that's not what I was – wait, Snape is adopting me? What?!" spluttered Harry Potter.

One moment, Harry was in Gryffindor Tower, just changing into his nightwear, the next; he was in Dumbledore's office. Harry looked down. Strangely, but thankfully he was in his school robes. That wasn't the most important thing going on here, though. Harry raised a trembling finger to point at the greasy git that was his Potions Professor, standing to the side of the Headmaster.

"Yes, that is Severus." sighed Dumbledore. "Severus, out of the kindness of his heart, and his devotion to your mother, is now your new guardian. You will be living with him during breaks from Hogwarts. Incidentally, Christmas breaks starts tomorrow."

At Harry's silence, Dumbledore peered at him from over his half-moon glasses, as though wondering why the boy was not jumping for joy.

"Put that finger down, Potter," sneered the slimeball. "Your manners are atrocious."

Harry stared, and snapped.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK REASON IS THAT?! YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE ME AWAY!" screeched Harry, who had completely lost it. "SNAPE ADOPTING _ME_, THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS!" he whirled around to face Dumbledore. "I thought you cared for my safety!" Harry whipped his head around to look at Snape for a second. "_How_ are you related to my mother?" he stuttered, feeling revolted. He faced Dumbledore once more.

"Aren't you suspicious why some adult male who has always harvested an eternal hatred for me suddenly wants me to live with him? DON'T YOU SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?!"

"It'll be the best for both of you," said Dumbledore softly. "And, I believe Severus has something in addition to tell you."

Harry turned his head slowly, with dread, to face Snape. This was really too much. Dumbledore was officially nuts.

His bat-like Professor bared his yellow teeth. "Potter, I am your -"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Harry, Harry, it's okay," whispered a voice. Groaning, Harry squinted through the darkness, his heart pounding furiously. He felt someone shaking him. Never had he felt so relieved to be awake in his life. Those dreams from Voldemort were _nothing. _

Harry felt arms wrap around him. "Er, Ron?" he hissed. "I'm fine. You can let go now…" Mortified, Harry felt the arms around him squeeze tighter. A head rested against Harry's collarbone. Harry looked down. Okay. Ron certainly did not have hair _that _white…

Harry heard a satisfying crunch as he kicked Malfoy bodily off his bed with a grunt. "Ouch!" Crawling to the edge of his bed, he stared down at the figure that looked like Malfoy. "Ron, that was a _bad _joke. You so deserved that." He frowned. "Where did you get the Polyjuice?"

"Lumos." Harry had expected to see Ron laughing and looking sheepish. What he had not expected was Malfoy looking up at him with such a look of betrayal and shock that he nearly…hang on. Was Malfoy crying? This was getting weird. Harry was exhausted. He just wanted a nice, dreamless slumber for once. Was that too much to ask?

"Harry, you're so cruel," whispered Malfoy. Okay. Harry counted to ten, and took ten long, slow breaths. Then he took ten more for good measure.

"Nox," said Harry. Then he went back to sleep.

When Harry woke up the next morning, he sat up so quickly his head hurt. Ripping open his hangings, he breathed a quiet sigh of relief when no pointy faced blondes were in sight. At breakfast in the Great Hall he told a Ron his odd dreams. Ron looked at him with an oddly straight face. "But you were always obsessed with Malfoy, mate. It was about time."

Harry gaped, appalled. A piece of bacon slipped off his fork and onto his lap. Ron waggled his eyebrows. "Look here he comes." Indeed, Malfoy with his group of cronies were approaching.

"Hey Potty - ," began Malfoy. There was a loud clatter as one Harry Potter fainted.

When Harry came to, he immediately realised he was in the Hospital Wing. He couldn't even remember what he had done this time. His limbs felt heavy, and felt like sleeping again, just as he noticed a pair of red eyes looking down at him.

To his horror, his hand was in someone else's. A cold, pale someone's. Harry Potter was holding Lord Voldemort's hand. A niggling voice in the back of his mind told him that in fact, Voldemort was hold _his _hand, but that was quickly ignored. Harry was alert in an instant and wrenched his hand away, vaulted out of the bed, grabbed his wand on the bedside table and pointed it at his mortal enemy. "What are you doing here, Riddle?" he growled.

"Hush, Harry," said old Snake-face. "You'll upset the child."

A quick glance around the Hospital Wing informed Harry that it was empty except for the two of them. "What child are you talking about?" Harry asked, still aiming his wand at Moldie-Voldie's face.

Voldemort made an odd wheezing sound, before Harry realised he was laughing. Voldemort's reptilian mouth quirked up into a grotesque smile. "Surely you're not jesting, young Harry," he said quietly. He raised a skeletal finger and pointed it at Harry's stomach. "Our child."

The third (or was it fourth) time Harry woke up, he was feeling quite disgruntled, not to mention a little queasy. He was back in his dormitory, and his clock beside his bed read: 8:51am. Really, what did he eat last night? Was it the cheese? Harry paused, and shuddered. He wrenched open his hangings and found Ron clumsily getting dressed.

"Morning mate," greeted his best friend. "You're up late! Did Malfoy bug you again?" he asked, innocently (really!).

"NO, MALFOY DID NOT BUG ME, I DON'T LIKE HIM, OUR ONLY RELATIONSHIP IS THAT OF MUTUAL DISLIKE, MY FATHER IS JAMES POTTER, NOT THAT GREASY GIT SNAPE, WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER, AND, MEN CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN – THAT'S GROSS, AND I'M NOT CARRYING VOLDEMORT'S BABY!" burst out Harry, who then stormed off to the bathroom. There was the sound of retching.

"You alright?" called Ron nervously. What had he said?

Harry stuck his head out from the bathroom.

"YES DAMN IT, I AM ALRIGHT, AND THIS IS NOT BLOODY MORNING SICKNESS!"

"What's gotten into him today?" grumbled Ron.

"I'M NOT LIVING WITH SNAPE!"

Ron shrugged, then went to retrieve a sock from under his bed.

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A/N

I hope you liked it! I'm open to any suggestions/advice/ideas/criticisms.

Please review : )


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